I initially thought that this was some sort of ‘net joke, but it’s just too weird to be made up.

http://uk.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUKL2290323220080422

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises…

“But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny…”

Global warming is an alien plot to make our planet more hospitable for them. The aliens come from a planet that has a higher mean temperature than ours- Earth is too cold for them. It’s too cold now, but they’re making it hotter so they’ll be comfortable and so their alien food crops will grow better. Earth was too cold but it was as close to their planet as they could find, and Earth could be warmed up. Certain people high-placed in various governments are knowingly working for the aliens. They try to stop any attention paid to global warming and want global warming to continue unabated- and if possible be sped up. Al Gore is aware that global warming is an alien plot but doesn’t want to appear even more ridiculous than he already does by publicly saying so. When Earth becomes hot enough, the aliens will show up en masse and move in.

I suppose Toolbox Murders falls into that genre of “funny horror” which I don’t really understand. It’s either comedy or it’s horror- I don’t see them mixing very well. Ultimately the movie just doesn’t make much sense, as how could a guy live in an apartment building for decades and no one know he’s there? I mean, he does have to eat, doesn’t he? On the plus side, I’ve lived in some horrific apartment buildings, so I could relate to that aspect. The best argument for home ownership is that it’s better than renting! ** (Two stars)

Then there’s Neverwas, which has high ambitions but just doesn’t make the grade. It’s a bit too saccharine for me. What’s the matter with Dad anyway? Why is he so crazy? Where do they get the money to live in that mansion? There’s a lot of loose ends that just aren’t tied together. Like Toolbox Murders, there’s aspects that just don’t make any sense. How does the old King live out in the middle of the woods? Doesn’t he have to buy groceries? Does he walk to town? Questions like these bother me. OK I’m all for a little bit of suspension of disbelief but I can only take so much. *** (Three stars)

Carlito’s Way was a very cool movie. Realistic. I’m for realism in movies. I don’t know why, I just am. It seemed realistic. But why does the bad guy lawyer have to be Jewish? Don’t we Jews have enough problems already without being portrayed like this? Like Carlito, I’ve always wanted to escape to a tropical Paradise, but probably never will. **** (Four stars)

Rendition was just a little too pat and tidy for me, as I knew it would be going in. At least the evil government person was a lady, which gives equal rights a new twist. Is there anyone out there that thinks that the government doesn’t do nasty biz on our behalf? But since I’m from DC, anything that has this many shots of my hometown gets an added star just for that. There was an interesting article in the Washington Post this past weekend about Egypt- how poor it is over there. In Egypt, Upper Crust Gets the Bread: For Egypt’s more than 30 million poor, subsidized bread means survival. There’s poor teeming masses in Egypt, while we’re riding around in SUVs and watching American Idol. Why do we always back the wrong horse? What happens after Mubarak- who’s soon to celebrate his 80th birthday? It seems to me that Egypt, not Saudi Arabia, Iraq or Iran is the real lynch-pin in the Middle East, and it doesn’t look good. If you look at history, Islamic fundamentalism- the bad kind- started in Egypt and nothing has been done to ameliorate the conditions that spawned it. I don’t know what can be done, but things seem to be going from bad to worse.

I’m going out on a limb here and predict Hillary Clinton will be our next president. I don’t think Americans will elect a black guy named “Barack Obama”. Won’t happen. McCain is friggin’ scary. Who doesn’t look back to the Clinton years with rosy nostalgia? Now that Mitt Romney has dropped out, it looks to be Clinton vs McCain.

I heard someone mistakenly refer to Huckabee as “Hucklebee”. Now whenever I hear “Huckabee” I think “Hucklebee” and chuckle.

I’m never right about these things. I once bet that Carter would beat Reagan for president. However when I made that bet I was out of touch with the news, having spent the previous three years to the ‘80 election holed up in the remote mountains of Northern New Mexico reading obscure books.

My Mom always knows who’s going to win. One day when I was in high school she came home and said “Jimmy Carter will be our next President”. He was way beyond even a long-shot at that point- when she made that pronouncement, I’m serious that no one outside of Georgia had ever even heard of the dude. I told her I was volunteering for Zeese for Senate and she said that Cardin would win.

Actually, according to that soldier who came back in time from the year 2036*, this is the year that the US breaks up into warring factions. McCain doesn’t go down gracefully- he takes control of the Army and in a coup d’etat installs himself as President. This instigates a guerrilla war in which the Democrats take to the Appalachians. The economy disintegrates. McCain said he wasn’t good at economic issues, didn’t he?

*John Titor